Subject: Things (Page 39)

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
People Things

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Situations Things

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money Things

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.

(1954 – ) English comedian writer
Communication Computers Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

Baseball is the only thing beside the paper clip that hasn't changed.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball Sports Things

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Places Success Things

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Things

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things