Author: Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

(1925 – 2005) television host

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

(1925 – 2005) television host
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