Author: Johnny Carson

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
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