Author: Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

(1925 – 2005) television host

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

(1925 – 2005) television host

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host













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