Author: Johnny Carson

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

(1925 – 2005) television host
New York City People Places

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Problems

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Animals

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Jimmy [Carter] needs Billy like Van Gogh needs stereo.

(1925 – 2005) television host
People

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Hair

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Life Marriage

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Insults

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places