Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication People Speech

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Entertainment Television

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Problems

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body Fat Insults

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

Happiness is… finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Life Marriage

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage