Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 3

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

[Fat Anthony’s grand mother]: Monty, did you ever see a face like this.

Monty: No. If I did I’d remember it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

He tried to choke me! You saw it. He called me a baboon, thinks I’m his wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

No, with women, I never cry. Never. I beg

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Thornton Melon: Look, I’m throwing a little party in our room tonight, and you’d better be there.
Diane: Oh, I’m sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight.
Melon: [groans] Bring him along! We may run outta ice.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Work

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink

She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education History Old School Time

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

[after snorkeling in a hot tub with four bikini-clad co-eds] Now that’s what I call marine biology!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

… the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

Why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! Yeah, he’s a good boy. Now I know why tigers eat their young.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives