Subject: Activities (Page 27)

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

Definitions Driving

It is an undoubted truth, that the less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.

Lord Chesterfield (1694 – 1773) British statesman
Activities Time

I think housework is far more tiring and frightening than hunting is… and yet after hunting we had eggs for tea and were made to rest for hours, but after housework people expect one to go on just as if nothing special had happened.

(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer
Housework Work

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.


Activities Emotions Happiness Money Shopping

Someone stole my antidepressants; whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.


Activities Drugs

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician
Situations Sleep

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Education Occupations Sleep

If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing Shopping

The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it; if you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

I often take exercise; why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities Exercise

The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping

If these walls could talk they’d be like ‘damn bitch, you’re back in bed again!?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Activities Characteristics

President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia… but they only earn $3 billion a year; so why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?

American comedian & writer
Drugs Money Places

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Arms Games Murphy’s Laws Things

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional to the length of the passing zone.

Activities Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

I went on a job interview and the lady asked me if I’d pass a drug test; I said, “Yeah, if it’s written.”

American comedian
Drugs Work