Subject: Activities (Page 27)

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer
Activities Alcohol Beer Drugs Sleep

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist
Activities

I’ve never had a problem with drugs… I’ve had problems with the police.

(1943 – ) English musician, songwriter & member of the Rolling Stones
Activities Drugs

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

If you want to catch more fish, use more hooks.

(1918 – 1990) football coach
Activities

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

American comedian
Appearance Clothing Shopping

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
Activities Drugs

Yoga is basically spending an entire hour trying to not fart.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Time

Detour: Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary.

Activities Definitions Travel

When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

The only thing I liked about camping was the fact that you can be drunk and have dirty feet, and you still had a pretty good chance of hooking up.

comedian
Activities Sex

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

I did think about adopting… an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Housework People Relationships

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian
Activities Drugs School Situations

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?

Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Characteristics Games

I tried to throw a yo-yo away; it was impossible.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities