Subject: Activities (Page 35)

Our culture teaches us to buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like.

(1946 – 2007) American entrepreneur
Activities Shopping

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Places Sex Shopping

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Doctors Exercise Health

When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.

Activities Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Travel

I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but it takes ten minutes to smoke it… that’s a five-minute net gain!

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

A friend of mine recently joked that his mobile phone will beat Magnus Carlsen; I said, ‘What are you talking about? My microwave could beat Magnus Carlsen.’

(1965 – ) British chess grandmaster & chess writer
Activities Reviews/Criticism

If it feels good, it’s ugly. If it looks good, it hurts.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Activities Golf Sports

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Activities Housework

The man has not been born for whom I will iron a shirt.

(1939 – ) English actress
Activities Housework Men

I went to a gym; they offered me free membership for life if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities Exercise

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

(1924 – 2009) English broadcaster, writer, politician & chef
Activities Age Health Time

If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Activities Conflict Fights Hockey Sports

Several members of our youth department are collecting donations for Operation Graduation. Funds will be used for a drug and alcohol party following graduation on May 29th.

Alcohol Church Bulletins Drugs

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging; then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it; that’s why there’s graffiti and babies.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Activities Travel

The “Consumer Report” on the item will come out a week after you’ve made your purchase.
Corollaries: 1. The one you bought will be rated “unacceptable.”. 2. The one you almost bought will be rated “best buy.”

Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Do you know what’s easier than putting on sunscreen? … not going outside.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities