Subject: Activities (Page 39)

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

Short Vacation: Half a loaf.

The shortest route has the steepest hills.

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The score never interested me, only the game.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

No, I'm not a good shot, but I shoot often.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Detour: The roughest distance between two points.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

Leisure tends to corrupt, and absolute leisure corrupts absolutely.


I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

I don’t know… I’ve never smoked it.

(1943 – ) American football player

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian

I was in Moldova airport and I went into the duty-free shop – and there wasn’t a duty-free shop.

British football player

If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.