Subject: Activities (Page 39)

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving

Why would anybody want to go skiing? You could sit in the comfort of you own kitchen and break your knees with a hammer.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

It's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.

comedian
Activities People

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations Sleep Speech

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities Death Games People Self

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws New York City Places

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

Cardiology: The study of poker playing.

Activities Definitions

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging; then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it; that’s why there’s graffiti and babies.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Activities Travel

Self-abuse is the sincerest kind.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Activities Self Sex

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Activities Characteristics

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout; that's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

(1956 – 2016) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Exercise Money

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Life Situations Sleep