Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 39)
Please don’t ask me what the score is, I’m not even sure what the game is.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Activities
Games
Life
The Score
The only difference between group sex and group therapy is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems and in group sex you see them.
Dennis Miller
(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Activities
Sex
Therapy
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Epperson's Law
Activities
Games
Men
Murphy’s Laws
My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities
Housework
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man tired in mid afternoon.
Storz’s Revision
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Sleep
Rudolf Stor
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs… like custom officers.
Jack Dee
(1961 – ) English standup comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Drugs
Eleven months’ hard work and one month’s acute disappointment.
John Heathcoat Amory
British businessman & politician
Activities
On gardening
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Health
Smoking
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Art
Fishing
Salvador Dali
Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
(1894 – 1985) British fiction writer
Activities
Life
Immortality
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities
Animals
Whales
Bargain: anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Money
Shopping
Bargains
One time, I got pulled over at four a.m.; I was fined seventy-five dollars for being intoxicated and four-hundred for being with the Phillies.
Bob Uecker
(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball
Driving
Sports
This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
Dick Vertlieb
American sports executive
Activities
Basketball
Sports
I haven’t been to sleep for over a year; that’s why I go to bed early… one needs more rest if one doesn’t sleep.
Evelyn Waugh
(1903 – 1966) English writer
Activities
Sleep
My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.
Dan Rosen
comedian
Activities
Driving
Family
Fathers
People
Amish
It's better to have loved and lost than do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Salvador Dali
(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
Emotions
Housework
Love
Laundry
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Robert Heinlein
(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Emotions
Exercise
Love
Sex
There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.
Oliver Herford
(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator
Activities
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
Fishing
I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Communication
Speech
Debate
The score never interested me, only the game.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities
Games
Score
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