Subject: Animals » Dogs

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.

(1783 – 1859) American author, essayist, biographer & historian

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter

I hate when women compare men to dogs; men are not dogs… dogs are loyal; I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host

Aa dog walking on his hind legs … is not done well, but you are surprised to find it done at all.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.

(1962 – ) American English professor & writer under pen name Eloisa James

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

The vet says the dog will not lick the salve because the salve tastes bad to the dog… hello?… he's already licking his ass.

(1960 – ) American comedian

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

Life is like a dogsled team; if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist