Subject: Animals (Page 8)

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Animals

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Money People Rednecks Things

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Animals Science/Weather

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

I killed a squirrel once with a car… twice with a tennis racket.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

(1977 – ) Australian comedian
Animals Places

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Places

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.

Animals Malaprops

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

Racehorse: A barn athlete.

Animals Definitions Wordplay

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

(1981 – ) British actor
Animals

So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy

Animals Book Titles Cats

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall.

Animals Proverbs

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Dogs Old

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Food/Drink

It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.

professional baseball player
Animals Cold Science/Weather

A bird in the hand is dead.

Animals Death Murphy’s Laws

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

(1928 – ) English zoologist, ethologist, painter & author
Animals People

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People