Subject: Family » Children (Page 11)

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

Children are a great comfort in your old age… and they help you reach it faster too.

Age Children Family Old

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Sex

Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, or hysteria.

Children Murphy’s Laws Problems Time

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Money Taxes

If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.

Children Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Characteristics Children Family Parents People

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Children Family

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Problems

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

How to Traumatize Your Children

Book Titles Children

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Relationships

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Family Marriage

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

"It’s the violence in the media that's the problem…" no, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won’t do shit about it.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes