Subject: Family » Children (Page 12)

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children Exaggerations People Women

Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Children Family

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian
Children Family Old

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Children Family

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

Children Murphy’s Laws

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible… and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Children Family Parents Success

Does [life] begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? … anybody with children knows [it] don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Children Family Money

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Children Family Wordplay

Showoff: A child who is more talented than yours.

Children Definitions Family

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Age Children Emotions Family

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

I spent 10 minutes with her [my sister’s] four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.

American comedian
Children Family

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People