Subject: Family » Children (Page 4)

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Children Family Sex Wordplay

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

Children Murphy’s Laws

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Relationships

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

How to Traumatize Your Children

Book Titles Children

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children Exaggerations People Women

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ — what kind of man do you think I am?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Sex

Kids Are Turds: Brutally Honest Humor for the Pooped-Out Parent

Book Titles Children

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car; no, I'm kidding… I don’t have a license.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian
Children Communication Family Wordplay

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children Family

Does [life] begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? … anybody with children knows [it] don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Children Family Money

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

(1911 – 1989) television actress
Children Family

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Children

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents