Subject: Family (Page 10)

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

Failure Family Murphy’s Laws Parents Problems Young

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Husbands Marriage

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.

comedian
Life Parents Situations

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

Friends are God’s apology for relations.

(1889 – 1949) British writer & journalist
Family Friends People

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will sometimes produce bizarre behavior… and I’m not talking about the kids.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Old Parents

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Communication Language

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Children Family

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

comedian
Children Family Fathers

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Occupations Work

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Family People Places

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family Mothers People Travel

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family