Subject: Family (Page 7)

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver
Education Family Fathers Learning

I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Family Fathers

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Activities Age Animals Children Young

I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family

It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

comedian, composer & lyricist
Appearance Characteristics Mothers

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Family Mothers

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

Definitions Family

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Parents

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family Mothers People Women

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Age Children Family Past Young

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.

(1927 – ) American cartoonist (Momma)
Children Family Travel

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

(1964 – ) American country music singer
Family Mothers

Twin: A double-take.

Definitions Family

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Children Communication Family Murphy’s Laws Old Speech

Birth control that really works – every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Children Family