Subject: Family (Page 6)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

There are three reasons for breastfeeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it.

(1935 – ) London-born American author & food commentator
Family Food/Drink Mothers

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring; when she was in a good mood it turned blue… in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

comedian
Family Mothers

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Children Communication Misspokements Mothers

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Family Mothers People Self

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

Does [life] begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? … anybody with children knows [it] don’t begin ’til they can pay their own damn bills.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Children Family Money

You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Mothers Sex

I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
Children Communication Family Speech

I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies and we’re both getting discounts.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Age Family Fathers

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Children Emotions Family Parents

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

I’ve been here eight months and have been in two earthquakes, a race riot, floods and fires, and I left New York because I couldn’t handle my mother.

comedian & television writer
Family Mothers Places

Baby: An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

Definitions Family

I can be President of the United States, or I can control Alice [his daughter], I cannot possibly do both.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Children Family

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist
Appearance Body Children Fat