Subject: Family (Page 7)

A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family Food/Drink

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

Children Family

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Age Children Old

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Children Family Parents

In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child’s parent or grandparent.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics Children Family

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family Fathers Sports

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Things Young

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

We are the people our parents warned us about.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Family Parents People

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

They’re both on drugs, they both detest you and neither of them has a job.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Family

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian
Children Marriage Wives

Heredity: What a man believes in until his son begins to behave like a delinquent.

Definitions Family

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Children Family Marriage Proverbs

I have two boys, 5 and 6… we’re no good at naming things in our house.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family Wordplay