Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Health
(Page 13)
VD: The gift that keeps on giving.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
VD
I'm taking Lamaze classes; I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health
Breathing
Lamaze
I have been laid up with intentional flu.
Samuel Goldwyn
(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health
Misspokements
I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health
Marriage
Wives
Penicillin
V.D.
”I think therefore I am.”
is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.
Milan Kundera
(1929 – ) Czech writer
Health
Intellectuals
Toothaches
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors
Health
Drunks
Orthodox: Bone doctors.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Orthodox
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
Beliefs
Communication
God
Health
Speech
Prayer
Schizophrenia
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children
Clothing
Family
Health
Babies
Smell
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Anonymous
Health
Life
I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.
Eugene Ormandy
(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Health
Misspokements
On the death of David Oistrakh
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors
Family
Health
Child psychiatrist
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
Billy Connolly
(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health
Self
Schizophrenia
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.
Jordan Brookes
comedian
Health
Wordplay
Schizophrenia
telepathy
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Games
Health
Charades
Heart attacks
They said he had
neurosis of the liver.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Health
Malaprops
Cirrhosis of the liver
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Health
Money
Insurance
CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
CPR
What do we want? — A cure for dyslexia.
When do we want it? — Own.
Arthur Smith
(1954 – ) English comedian writer
Health
Dyslexia
The doctor felt the man's
purse
and thought it was awfully low.
Anonymous
Health
Malaprops
Pulse
Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Hypochondriac
Page 13 of 25
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