Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Health
(Page 13)
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Family
Health
Parents
Psychiatry
Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Hypochondriac
My problem, uh, is behind me now.
George Brett
(1953 – ) American baseball player
Health
Following successful hemorrhoid surgery
Venereal Disease: Germs of endearment.
Anonymous
Definitions
Health
Venereal Disease
X-Ray: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
Rick Bayan
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions
Health
X-Ray
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Health
Smoking
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
First Principle for Patients
Doctors
Health
Murphy’s Laws
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors
Health
Places
Broken leg
I suffer from a
deviant
septum.
Anonymous
Health
Malaprops
Deviated
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.
Orson Welles
(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Doctors
Eating
Food/Drink
Meals
It’s only the mercy of the Lord I ain’t had a stroke already – and a coronary
trombonus
in the bargain.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Health
Malaprops
Thrombosis
The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Doctors
Health
Life
People
Patient
Psychiatrist
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Age
Health
People
Health food makes me sick.
Calvin Trillin
(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink
Health
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol
Death
Food/Drink
Health
Hangovers
A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Health
Language
Agoraphobia
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors
Health
Situations
Undertakers
The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.
George S. Kaufman
(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Doctors
Health
Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.
Anonymous
Definitions
Doctors
Internship
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems… like your
groinocology.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Doctors
Health
Malaprops
Gynecology
Page 13 of 25
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