Subject: Marriage » Divorce (Page 3)

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage Money

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

After five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Divorce Marriage

Divorce: A splitting headache.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Wives

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player
Divorce Hockey Marriage Misspokements Sports

I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.

American comedian
Age Divorce Marriage

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Divorce Marriage

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce… because that’s what a soul weighs.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage

It's better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

comedian
Divorce Emotions Love Marriage

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

You might be a redneck if… your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Divorce Marriage People Rednecks Relationships

I’m still friends with all my ex’s, apart from my husbands.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Divorce Husbands Marriage

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)
Divorce Marriage

I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Divorce Emotions Marriage

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)
Communication Divorce Marriage Speech Wives

Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Religion