Subject: People (Page 43)

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Friend: Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

(1952 – ) American columnist & author

I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.

European comedian & actor

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move… he’ll talk to you, I promise.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.

He reminds me of the kid in fifth grade who reminded the teacher she forgot to give the homework.

writer & comedian

It’s easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

People don't change; they only become more so.

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

If you're a guy, you're wearing a fanny pack, the only thing inside there's, like, a butt plug and Streisand tickets.

stand-up comedian, writer & actor

I think the reason guys like women in leather outfits so much is because they have that ‘new car’ smell.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.