Subject: People (Page 80)

Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Marriage Men People Women

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other peoples’.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Money People

I go to New York and I saw a big sign saying “America Loves Smirnoff” and I said to myself, what a country!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America New York City Places Self

You might be a redneck if… you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks Shopping

I don’t feel I’m even worthy of a normal amount of value.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor
People Self

Glutton: A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted.

Definitions Eating Food/Drink People

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Definitions Friends People

Women don't want to hear what you think; women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication People Speech Women

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish; she used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a bitch all the time.

American comedian
Girlfriends People

I like my coffee like I like my women… in a plastic cup.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People Women

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.

American comedian
Government People President

I married beneath me – all women do.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Marriage Women

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

(1934 – ) comedian
England People Places

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

There’s a reason it’s called ‘Girls gone wild’ and not ‘Women gone wild;’ when girls go wild they show their tits to people; when women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
Girls People Women

Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya’ … and I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Communication Language People Self

Sometimes a majority simply means that all the fools are on the same side.

(1925 – ) writer
Fools Intelligence People

I look like a mix between a Jew and a guy who would drive by in a truck and yell "Jew.”

American comedian
Appearance People Self

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician
Alcohol Food/Drink Insults People