Subject: People » Self (Page 16)

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Fathers Fools Intelligence Mothers People Self

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs God People Self

My general appearance, and especially my face, have always been a source of depression to me.

(1878 – 1931) Irish artist
Appearance People Self

I stopped buying women’s magazines; the only time I ever see someone who looks like me is under the word ‘Before’.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Appearance Self

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
Books Communication Self

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
People Self

You have taken yourself too seriously.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws People Self

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian
Doctors Health People Self

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships Self

I’m the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Baseball People Self Sports

I don’t like my music, but what is my opinion against that of millions of others.

(1904 – 1988) Austrian-American composer
Entertainment Music People Self

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

It’s amazing the fans want to see me play; it’s kind of scary; I guess that’s what’s wrong with our society.

professional baseball player
People Self

I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time…. then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
People Self Sex

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People Self

Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.

Definitions Self

I was the class podiatrist… I never made it to class clown.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Family Mothers People Self