Subject: Places (Page 19)

Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, and the cooks are English.

England

The Canadian military is like Switzerland's… without the knife.

Canadian comedian & author
Canada Government

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
America Golf Government People Sports Taxes

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

comedian
Places

In America, you assassinate presidents; in Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

I'm working on a marketing slogan for Saudi Arabia: What happens in Riyadh stays in Riyadh… with your hands

comedian
Places

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Places

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

Columbus went around the world in 1492; that isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer
Golf Sports World

New York is the only place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do then some day, maybe – just maybe – you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
New York City Places

Hollywood is the only place where you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.

(1889 – 1958) American actor
Hollywood Places

I was just vacationing in Amsterdam, where prostitution is legal; let me rephrase that – I was just vacationing in Amsterdam because prostitution is legal.

American comedian & writer
Activities Places Travel

America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: ‘Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I didn't know it was yours… yeah, I'll replace it sometime… with my stuff.’

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
America Places

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
America Places

We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.


cartoon character in The Simpsons (Julie Kavner)
People Places

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

I went to Moscow once; it was so cold at night one guy fell out of bed and broke his pajamas.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Cold Places Science/Weather

It's [Honolulu] got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Places

It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
America Animals Dogs Places

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Places