Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Places
(Page 28)
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Health
Old
Places
Dead Sea
Sick
I find it hard to say, because when I was there, it seemed to be shut.
Clement Freud
(1924 – 2009) English broadcaster, writer, politician & chef
Places
When asked if he enjoyed his trip to New Zealand
A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
German proverb
Places
Proverbs
Countries
The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos
New York City
Places
Traffic
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money
Places
Brooklyn
Candy store
Crime
In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.
D.L. Hughley
(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos
Places
Difference between New York City and California
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Places
Moving
I was well warned about English food, so it did not surprise me, but I do wonder sometimes, how they ever manage to prise [lever] it up long enough to get a plate under it.
Margaret Halsey
(1910 – 1997) American writer
England
Food/Drink
Insults
Places
Even the police have an unlisted number.
Morey Amsterdam
(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Government
Hollywood
Law
Things
Police
Unlisted number
Florida: God's waiting room.
Glenn le Grice
Definitions
Places
Florida
Go to L.A. – they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.
Dwayne Perkins
American stand-up comedian
Conflict
People
Places
Jaywalking laws
Los Angeles
In America, your work determines your marks; in Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!
Yakov Smirnoff
(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America
Places
Karl Marx
Russia
Space is almost infinite; as a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
Dan Quayle
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements
Places
Science/Weather
Infinity
Space
America – a country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
John O'Hara
(1905 – 1970) American writer
America
Places
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Money
Places
Wealth
On reports of his wealth
Vietnam
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison
(1934 – ) writer & editor
Intelligence
People
Places
Science/Weather
Stupidity
Universe
The world is round; it has no point.
Adrienne Gusoff
writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Beliefs
Places
World
Round
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.
Adlai E. Stevenson
(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
America
People
President
Success
Child
risk
They say if the Swiss had designed these mountains… they’d be flatter.
Paul Theroux
(1941 – ) novelist
People
Places
Alps
Switzerland
1. Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach. 2. A free agent is anything but. 3. Whatever can go to New York will..
Murray’s Rules of the Arena
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
New York City
Places
Sports
Free agents
Teams
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
Geoffrey Cotterell
(1919 – 2010 ) England author
Communication
Insults
Places
Reading/Writing
Page 28 of 46
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