Subject: Relationships (Page 13)

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.

Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Death Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Friends People Relationships

Yeah, I'm kind of lazy… I'm dating a pregnant woman.


Dating People Relationships

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Relationships Self

Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Dating Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I’ve been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, ‘Who are you with?’, I automatically say: ‘Vodafone.’

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Relationships

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you… he… loves you.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Men People Relationships

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

George: She calls me up at my office. She says, “We have to talk.”
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
George: That or “Whose bra is this?”

(1959 – ) American actor, director, writer, singer & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

She was another of his near Mrs.

Communication Language Marriage Relationships Wordplay

[explaining why she broke up with her ex] We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.

(1963 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

My husband and I have a monotonous relationship.

Malaprops Relationships

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Dating Language Relationships

A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes other people sick.

(1880 – ?) American author
Dating People Relationships

You might be a redneck if… your grandfather died and left everything to his widow; but she can’t touch it until she's fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Relationships

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened… the bathroom door, for example.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Family Relationships

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Dating Money

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships School Sex