Subject: Situations

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Future Situations Time

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.

Autos Misspokements Situations Things

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room; I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Sex Situations

I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob.

(1928 – 2008) American singer, songwriter & rock and roll pioneer
Entertainment Music Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

American free-lance writer
People Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

Problems Situations

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf Situations Sports

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence; when men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.


(1943 – ) American psychologist, author
Marriage Men People Situations Women

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations