Subject: Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob.

(1928 – 2008) American singer, songwriter & rock and roll pioneer
Entertainment Music Situations

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

(1933 – ) American telejournalist
People Situations

I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery; I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them.

American comedian
Situations

Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

(1872 – 1956) English essayist, parodist & caricaturist
Situations

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

If I drop out of school, where am I gonna find drugs?

Palestinian/American comedian
Activities Drugs School Situations

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Situations

If I could take just one thing to a desert island… I probably wouldn’t go.

comedian
Situations

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing Jell-O® to a tree.

(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Situations

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.

(early 20th Century) American painter
Situations