Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 14)
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Situations
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics
Situations
Temptation
Yield
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill
(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals
Situations
Ants
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations
Taxes
Back
Debt
Suffering
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
As Captain Spaulding in “Animal Crackers”
You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.
Darrell Royal
(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football
Situations
Sports
Luck
I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex
Situations
Wordplay
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
Lafayette's Reprisal
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Squeaky wheel
When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations
About Frank Sinatra
Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.
Tom Parks
comedian
Situations
Aircraft seat as floatation device
Airplanes
Crashes
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?'
Adam Bloom
British comedian
Situations
Blind
Litter
A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.
Shmuel Breban
Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger
Emotions
Marriage
Situations
Sleep
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Fingers
Typing
I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.
David Pleat
English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements
Situations
Groundhog Day
It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.
Kyle Dunnigan
American comedian & musician
Situations
Sleep
Alarm clock
Snooze button
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I haven't had time for tobacco since.
Arturo Toscanini
(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Activities
People
Situations
Women
Kissing
Smoking
The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Anonymous
Situations
Bagpipes
Crying
Onions
A day without sunshine is like… well, night.
Anonymous
Situations
Time
Day
Night
Sunshine
He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch.
Casey Stengel
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
People
Situations
Yogi Berra
That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.
Dylan Moran
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Situations
Things
On learning to drive
1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.
Kerr-Martin Law
Beliefs
Government
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Conservatives
Liberals
Page 14 of 53
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