Subject: Situations (Page 14)

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.

(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football Situations Sports

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Situations

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in.

(1926 – 1993) American presidential staffer & Watergate co-conspirator
Problems Situations

I'm not against half-naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing Situations

If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.

(1938 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

When your opponent is down… kick him.

Misspokements Situations

Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Situations Time

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Places Politics Situations

Old-timers weekends, and airplane landings are alike; if you can walk away from them, they’re successful.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Places Situations

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Activities Situations Sleep

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs Honesty Situations

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.

(1941 – ) novelist
Characteristics Situations