Subject: Situations (Page 14)

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

American comedian
Situations

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

(1864 – 1910) French author
Characteristics Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning,' and I'm like, 'No kidding…

stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Situations

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist
Sex Situations

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Situations

If the thermometer had been an inch longer we’d all have frozen to death.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Cold Science/Weather Situations

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Science/Weather Situations

Pour him out of here!

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Alcohol Situations

Although it is a far cry from there to here, he laughed all the way.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Emotions Laughter Situations

A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on,’ she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’ and finally, question… number 10.’

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Situations

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations