Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 14)
If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I
was
lost but now I live here!”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Houses
Lost
You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.
Darrell Royal
(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football
Situations
Sports
Luck
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
James Boren
(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Situations
Doubt
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in.
H. R. Haldeman
(1926 – 1993) American presidential staffer & Watergate co-conspirator
Problems
Situations
I'm not against half-naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.
Benny Hill
(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Situations
Naked
If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.
Christopher Lloyd
(1938 – ) American actor
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jim Ignatowski in “Taxi”
I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.
Vernon Chatman
(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations
Things
Tattoos
When your opponent is down… kick him.
John's Axiom
Misspokements
Situations
Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.
Joseph Addison
(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Situations
Time
Improbable
Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.
Jon Stewart
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government
Places
Politics
Situations
Coalition of the willing
Iraq
Old-timers weekends, and airplane landings are alike; if you can walk away from them, they’re successful.
Casey Stengel
(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations
Airplanes
Old-timers’ weekends
Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
Red Symons
(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations
Opportunity
Temptation
I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Situations
Indecision
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Body
Places
Situations
Eye
Street
Walking
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
Milton Jones
(1964 – ) English comedian
Activities
Situations
Sleep
Cauliflower
The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.
Drazen's Law of Restitution
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Rectify
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.
Leslie Hore-Belisha
(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs
Honesty
Situations
Trust
You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.
Stock's Observation
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.
Anne Gibbons
American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework
Situations
Things
Work
Nature
Vacuum cleaners
Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.
Paul Theroux
(1941 – ) novelist
Characteristics
Situations
Reliability
Page 14 of 53
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