Subject: Situations (Page 14)

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Situations

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

You've got to think lucky; if you fall into a mud hole, check your back pocket – you might have caught a fish.

(1924 – 2012) American football player & coach
Football Situations Sports

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

comedian
Situations

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?'

British comedian
Situations

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.

American comedian & musician
Situations Sleep

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I haven't had time for tobacco since.

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Activities People Situations Women

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

A day without sunshine is like… well, night.

Situations Time

He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
People Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Beliefs Government Murphy’s Laws Situations