Subject: Situations (Page 22)

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I haven't had time for tobacco since.

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Activities People Situations Women

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents Failure Situations

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations

Some people feel the rain – others just get wet.

(1936 – 1992) singer, songwriter, musician & actor
People Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Situations Time

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Intelligence Situations Wisdom

Being tired isn't the same as being rich, but most times it's close enough.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Money Situations Wealth

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Games Situations

I’m not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are driving me to desperation.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need — tremendous self control.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Emotions Situations

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist
Sex Situations

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies; mine read, “Be quiet for a little while” Hand his read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Food/Drink Situations

Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep; do you mind if I join it?

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator
Situations Sleep

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Situations