Subject: Situations (Page 39)

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Things started to snowplow.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Situations

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

(1886 – 1975) American fiction writer
Characteristics Money Poverty Situations Wealth

People have discovered that they can fool the devil; but they can't fool the neighbors.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
People Situations

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

By the time we've made it, we've had it.

(1919 – 1990) publisher & author
Money Situations

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Situations Things

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Situations

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Science/Weather Situations

He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
People Situations

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Honesty Life Situations

[Coedness] is like a radical agenda forced on college students.

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Education Misspokements School Situations

I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Sex Situations

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies; mine read, “Be quiet for a little while” Hand his read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Food/Drink Situations

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn’t there.

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne
Places Situations

Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.

(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People Situations Success