Subject: Situations (Page 39)

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

Usta could…

Situations

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

You might be a redneck if… one of your kids was born on a pool table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian
Shopping Situations

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

I recently got a fake tattoo on my arm, which is cool. I got one of those iron-on kinds; it's real cheap, it's cool – it's a flaming skull inside a giant red burn mark.

(1972 – ) television producer, writer, voice actor, comedian & musician
Situations Things

Vietnam without the mosquitoes.

(1953 – ) American journalist, columnist & novelist
Situations

Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Situations Time

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Situations

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations