Subject: Situations (Page 4)

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents Failure Situations

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down… or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Situations Sleep

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Situations

I was mistaken for a prostitute once in the last war; when a GI asked me what I charged, I said, ‘Well, dear, what do your mother and sisters normally ask for?’

(1911 – 2003) English actress
Situations

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Murphy’s Laws Places Situations

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence; when men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.


(1943 – ) American psychologist, author
Marriage Men People Situations Women

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.


Situations

When your opponent is down… kick him.

Misspokements Situations

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics People Situations

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on,’ she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’ and finally, question… number 10.’

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Situations

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

American comedian
Relationships Situations

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Religion Situations

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.

(1877 – 1956) U.S. vice president & politician
Alcohol People Situations

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence Situations