Subject: Things (Page 20)

They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter
Autos Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Self Things Wives

Cars will not have intercourse in this bridge!

Autos Signs Translations

Cigarettes are very like weasels — perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.

(1962 – ) English comedian, singer, songwriter & playwright
Things

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Money Things

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

The most expensive component is the one that breaks.

Money Murphy’s Laws Things

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Money Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Perennials are the ones that grow like weeds, biennials are the ones that die this year instead of next and hardy annuals are the ones that never come up at all.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Things

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Situations Things

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host
Occupations Things Work

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things Wives

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things