Things | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Things (Page 25)

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Terry Pratchett

(1948 – ) English novelist

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Gerhardt's Law

Murphy’s Laws Things Lifetime supply Production

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Horowitz's Rule

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Things Time

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

Denis Norden

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Birds

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

Jeff Foxworthy

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Activities Autos People Rednecks Mowing lawn

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

Bill DeWitt

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner

Miscellaneous Things Bathtub Telephone

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Autos Situations Things Keys

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

Bob Monkhouse

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things Volvo

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

Mario Andretti

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer

Autos Situations Sports Control Racing

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things Again Batteries Buy Not included

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Emo Phillips

(1956 – ) American comedian

Activities Clothing Sex Things Women Dress up Nazi costume

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things House Used paint

The most delicate component will be dropped.

Rosenfield's Regret

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Things

Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.

Oliver's Tool Rule Part 1

Murphy’s Laws Things Time Toolbox

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

Ogden Nash

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives Window

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

Aparna Nancheria

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress

Computers People Self Things Facetime

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

Jeff Foxworthy

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

People Rednecks Things Singing

1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Bess’s Universal Principles

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things Telephone

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steve Connelly

comedian

Situations Things Escalators Power outage Store

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Tom Stoppard

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter

Things Time Digital watch

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Subject: Things (Page 25)

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

The most delicate component will be dropped.

Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.