Subject: Things (Page 34)

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist
Communication Food/Drink Language Things

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Things

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Things

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers… are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Computers Things

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Money People Things

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Arms Situations Things

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.

(1903 – 1957) Hungarian-American mathematician
Computers Future Science/Weather Things Time

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

Things Time

The most delicate component will be dropped.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Things

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things