Subject: Things (Page 35)

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor; would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Things

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Science/Weather Sex Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


Things

Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift.

Men Murphy’s Laws People Things Women

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Sex Things

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Life

The distance you have to park from your apartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you are carrying.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

You might be a redneck if… your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I love that smell of the emissions!

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Things

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things