Subject: Things (Page 35)

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Accidents Autos Things

Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use them for personal business.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

Houseplants: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Things

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Definitions Individuals Things Travel

The sun always shines between the visors.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

If it falls off, it doesn't matter.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments on one.

Definitions Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

You never find anything until you replace it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Anything is easier to take apart than it is to put together.

Murphy’s Laws Things

They think they can make fuel from horse manure…. now, I don’t know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter
Autos Things

I spent all my money on a FAX machine; now I can only FAX collect.

Money Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things