Author: Anonymous Page 104

Foreword: An author’s apology.

Books Definitions

“I can’t be bothered,” said Tom carelessly.

Tom Swifties

Let's call the kettle what it is!

Mixed metaphors

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Conflict Crime People

Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.

Definitions

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

Beliefs Definitions Occupations

“Elvis is dead,” said Tom expressly.

Tom Swifties

Tomorrow: What always comes but never arrives.

Definitions Future Time

“The exit is right there,” Tom pointed out.

Tom Swifties

She plummeted the deaths of inequity.

Malaprops

“I have been reading Voltaire,” Tom admitted candidly.

Tom Swifties

Theory: A hunch with a college education.

Definitions

She is so stupid… she took a blood test and failed.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Widow: A woman who knows her husband’s whereabouts at all times.

Definitions Marriage

Bachelor: A man who has faults he doesn’t know about.

Definitions Men People

“I’m burning aromatic substances,” said Tom, incensed.

Tom Swifties

He’s still green behind the ears.

Mixed metaphors

There was a young man from Peru

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

Communication Wordplay

Spanking: To impress upon the mind from the bottom up.

Definitions

Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.

Definitions Places