Author: Anonymous Page 126

“I just bought a woollen sweater,” said Tom sheepishly.

Tom Swifties

“You’re busted!” said the policeman to Miss Parton.

Tom Swifties

He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

Expressions Intelligence Stupidity

If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

Characteristics Marriage Men

Senior Executive: Anyone with an office on the carpeted corridor.

Definitions

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

Exaggerations Science/Weather

Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.

Definitions People

Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.

Age Definitions

Exaggeration: Formal term for a collection of fishermen (i.e. an exaggeration of anglers).

Activities Definitions Language

Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”

Definitions Places

Ken already has a good repertoire with the waitress.

Malaprops

Take time to stop and smell the tunnel at the end of the rainbow.

Mixed metaphors

American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.

Communication Definitions

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

“I was the first to climb Mount Everest,” said Tom hilariously.

Tom Swifties

Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some states; grounds for marriage in all

Definitions Marriage

Prophylactic: A rubber check.

Definitions

He’s a man without an island.

Mixed metaphors

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.

Definitions

When you feel that you would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra.

Age Old Young