Author: Anonymous Page 137

Whether the glass is half-full or half empty, depends on whether you are drinking or pouring.

Situations

“I wish I could remember the name of that card game,” said Tom wistfully.

Tom Swifties

Let's make sure we're all talking off the same sheet of music.

Mixed metaphors

He is so ugly… when he walks into the bank they turn off the cameras.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show,” said Tom deludedly.

Tom Swifties

Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Definitions

“For goodness sakes, use a broom,” Tom bristled.

Tom Swifties

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Definitions Health

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

“It’s twelve noon,” Tom chimed in.

Tom Swifties

Fifty percent of people have a below-average understanding of statistics.

People Science/Weather

“There’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.

Tom Swifties

Don't look a gift horse in the eye.

Mixed metaphors

She grabbed the bull by the tail and faced the problem squarely.

Mixed metaphors

This is unparalyzed in the state's history.

Malaprops

Are you getting the jest of this?

Malaprops

Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.

Democracy Elections/Voting Government

Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.”

Definitions

The guy just couldn’t cut the custard.

Mixed metaphors

“It has zero height, zero width, and just a little depth,” said Tom, stretching the point.

Tom Swifties

Satan: The scarecrow in the religious cornfield.

Beliefs Definitions Religion