Author: Anonymous Page 138

He was in cardial arrest.

Health Malaprops

Christmas: A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.

Definitions

Dignity: Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol.

Definitions

“I was adopted,” said Tom transparently.

Tom Swifties

“I’ve run out of wool,” said Tom, knitting his brow.

Tom Swifties

“Life isn’t fair,” said Tom darkly.

Tom Swifties

Autumn is the most beautiful time of the year to the person who has no leaves to rake.

Science/Weather

Marriage is bliss… Ignorance is bliss… Ergo…

Emotions Happiness Marriage

I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.

Definitions

“I’m going to get a hair transplant,” said Tom baldly.

Tom Swifties

He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“Why is this telephone flex always tangled?” asked Tom coyly.

Tom Swifties

“I can eat one hundred and forty-four,” Tom boasted grossly.

Tom Swifties

Opportunist: One who goes ahead and does what you always planned to do. 

Definitions

Courtship: When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is.

Definitions Relationships

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.

Death Definitions

Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.

Definitions

He couldn’t grow pole beans in a pile of horse shit.

Expressions Fools Intelligence Stupidity

I suffer from a deviant septum.

Health Malaprops

Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home.

Activities Definitions

It was so cold… the kids at school were using flannel notebooks.

Cold Exaggerations Science/Weather