Author: Anonymous Page 138

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

Communication People Speech

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Winter: The time of year when it gets later earlier.

Definitions Science/Weather

Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.

Definitions Sex

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

Definitions Occupations

I once knew a woman who offered her honor, so I honored her offer, and all night long I was on her and off her.

Sex Wordplay

We all act as one heartbeat.

Mixed metaphors

Y Chromosome: The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

Definitions Men

“I caught two hares”, said Tom abrasively.

Tom Swifties

Selfishness: A state of mine.

Definitions

People were streaming out of town to escape the floods.

Mixed metaphors

I suffer from a deviant septum.

Health Malaprops

Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.

Definitions

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it.

Definitions

“Some of my windows were broken in the storm,” he said, pained.

Tom Swifties

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

Animals Expressions Places Situations

Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty.

Definitions Golf Sports

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Definitions Marriage

Long road to hoe.

Mixed metaphors