Author: Anonymous Page 17

“I have no recollection of the last twenty-four hours,” said Tom lackadaisically.

Tom Swifties

“Now I can do some painting,” said Tom easily.

Tom Swifties

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Death Definitions

Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Definitions Government

I keep trying to lose weight… but it keeps finding me.

Appearance Body Fat

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Definitions

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request your presents at the marriage of their daughter…

Malaprops

This is the problem we are wringing our hair over.

Mixed metaphors

“I still haven’t struck oil,” said Tom boringly.

Tom Swifties

Vacation: A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to.

Definitions

Ignoramus: Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday.

Definitions Intelligence

Is this a whole nother bucket of worms?

Mixed metaphors

That will round out the triangle.

Mixed metaphors

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Definitions

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Monogamy: A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.

Definitions Marriage

The future of the church depends on passing the torch to the next generation.

Mixed metaphors

“All right – we’ll use a water solution”, Tom acquiesced.

Tom Swifties

I want to see you go to town like a house of fire.

Mixed metaphors

Acrobat: The person who turns a flop into a success.

Definitions

If you don't want someone to get your goat, don't let them know where it's tied.

Expressions