Author: Anonymous Page 32

Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions.

Age Definitions

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Crime Definitions

One hundred degrees better

Mixed metaphors

Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.

Definitions Time

“Someday I’ll run the CIA,” said Tom aspiringly.

Tom Swifties

Cleopatra: Queen of denial.

Definitions

“My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight”, said Tom, his nervous tic showing again.

Tom Swifties

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

Beliefs Communication Language

God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

Beliefs God People Self

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Characteristics

Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.

Definitions

I don't want to hold an open manhole over your head.

Mixed metaphors

“Lights, camera, action!” Tom said directly.

Tom Swifties

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Activities Games Situations

He’d steal flies from a blind spider.

Characteristics Expressions Honesty

Girdle: Accessory after the fat.

Appearance Clothing Definitions Wordplay

I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him.

Malaprops

“I used to be a paratrooper,” Tom explained.

Tom Swifties

“I’d better repeat that SOS message,” said Tom remorsefully.

Tom Swifties

He’s still green behind the ears.

Mixed metaphors