Author: Anonymous Page 86

Marriages are made in heaven, maybe that’s why so many atheists fool around.

Marriage

“Please get into the elevator”, said Tom uppishly.

Tom Swifties

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

He’s suffering from a lack of self of steam.

Characteristics Malaprops

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

“The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show,” said Tom deludedly.

Tom Swifties

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

“I won’t finish in fifth place,” Tom held forth.

Tom Swifties

It's hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell.

Expressions Heat Science/Weather

He is so fat… he's on both sides of the family.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

She tried to use reverse psychiatry on me.

Malaprops

Whether the glass is half-full or half empty, depends on whether you are drinking or pouring.

Situations

“Take tea and see,” said Tom briskly.

Tom Swifties

Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.

Body Characteristics Definitions People

Flood: A river too big for its bridges.

Definitions

Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Definitions

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.

Death Definitions

Virus: A Latin medical term meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Definitions Health

Expert: A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater the expert.

Definitions

Statistician: A person who believes that if you put your head in a furnace and your feet in a bucket of iced water, on the average you should feel reasonably comfortable.

Definitions Occupations