Author: Anonymous Page 98

Egotism: An anesthetic that nature gives to a man to deaden the pain of being a darn fool.

Definitions

He looked very thin and emancipated.

Appearance Body Malaprops

“You must be my host,” Tom guessed.

Tom Swifties

Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Definitions Law

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

Appearance Body Definitions

“I wonder if there’s a number between seven and nine,” said Tom considerately.

Tom Swifties

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Animals Definitions

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Animals

“I’m burning aromatic substances,” said Tom, incensed.

Tom Swifties

Honesty: The fear of being caught.

Characteristics Definitions

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Definitions Sex

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

It dawned across my head.

Mixed metaphors

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.

Definitions Food/Drink

Clear Conscience: Poor memory.

Definitions

“I write elevator music,” Tom noted.

Tom Swifties

Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.

Definitions

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

“You’re busted!” said the policeman to Miss Parton.

Tom Swifties

They're in the trenches; they're on the horse and they're riding it.

Mixed metaphors