Author: George Burns

When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment

Milton was probably the best at dealing with hecklers, but then he probably had the most practice.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment

Over a fifteen-year period Jack raised almost $6,000,000 for the benefit of classical music; of course, a lot of people claimed that that was his way of paying for the damage he'd caused it.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music

At my age flowers scare me.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Emotions Fear Old

That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Hair People Situations

Jack Benny would end his act by playing a tune on his violin, so naturally he got a big cheer when he finished.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music

He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Money

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Eating Food/Drink Sex

Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Language

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication Insults People

Milton's act was every bit as good as Jessel's or Cantor's; in fact, it wasn't only just as good, it was the same.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
America Government Intelligence Occupations Places Work

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Sex

How can I die, I'm booked.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Death Entertainment

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics God

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Health Old Places

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Divorce Government Lawyers Marriage Taxes

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded; trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Alcohol Food/Drink

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics Opinion Speech

The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Money