Author: Groucho Marx

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places TV/Movie Quotes

You must fan the flames of love with the bellows of indifference.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Time wounds all heels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults Time TV/Movie Quotes

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

There's one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him… if he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Honesty People

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults

I've been looking for a girl like you… not you… but a girl like you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults Intelligence

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dance Marriage Wives

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women