Author: Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Body Sex

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Laughter People Self

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

I think TV is very educational; every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Education Entertainment Reading/Writing Television

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships

Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage People Wives Women

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Young

Does it have a happy ending?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Entertainment

Home is where you hang your head.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Reviews/Criticism

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Places

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Beliefs Characteristics