Author: Groucho Marx Page 4

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing… if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Honesty Life Truth

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Room service? … send up a larger room.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions People

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication

You can leave in a taxi… If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff… if that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? … How much?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. [He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Health Money Places

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Eating Food/Drink

With a little study you’ll go a long ways… and I wish you’d start now.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Hollywood Marriage Places

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Husbands Men People Success Wives Women