Author: Groucho Marx Page 5

I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Reviews/Criticism

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Clothing Men People Shopping Women

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family People Self

Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Men People Women

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Money Relationships

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

Time wounds all heels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults Time TV/Movie Quotes

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Beliefs Characteristics

Why don't you trade in your head for a bowling ball?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships