Author: Groucho Marx Page 5

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships

With a little study you’ll go a long ways… and I wish you’d start now.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Men Old People Sex Women

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Intelligence Language Military Places

Men's tonsils, please.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Money

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sex

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Why don't you trade in your head for a bowling ball?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Women should be obscene and not heard.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Language Speech Women

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Men People Women

This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals TV/Movie Quotes

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding

There's a man outside with a big black mustache; tell him I've got one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Love Money

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Reviews/Criticism