Author: Groucho Marx Page 5

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Beliefs

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places

Men's tonsils, please.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

I’ll see you at the opera tonight. I’ll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you’re on your own.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication TV/Movie Quotes

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

Now there's a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Individuals Insults Intelligence

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike; since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Places TV/Movie Quotes

Why was I with her? … she reminds me of you… in fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning; old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Definitions Old