Author: Groucho Marx Page 6

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Old

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government People Politicians

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication TV/Movie Quotes

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Individuals People Time Work

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Girls People Women

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Husbands Men People Success Wives Women

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Beliefs Characteristics

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much for you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Eating Food/Drink

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Happiness Places

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death TV/Movie Quotes