Author: Groucho Marx Page 7

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dating Relationships

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Die, my dear?… why that's the last thing I'll do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Last words

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Reviews/Criticism

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage People Wives Women

He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

I hope they bury me near a straight man.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Emotions

We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Conflict Killing Money

The maitre d’hotel of a smart hotel: I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie.
Groucho: That’s all right, don’t be sorry. I remember the time I had no pants.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Clothing

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I’ll see you at the opera tonight. I’ll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you’re on your own.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes