Author: Jay Leno

He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Situations

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

Dick Cheney says he loves California… out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict People Places

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Arms Conflict Entertainment Film

Madonna said that we should pull all of our troops out of Iraq; Donald Rumsfeld said, "No, I think we'd better wait and hear what Britney Spears has to say about it first.”

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Conflict War

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
World

They say hot dogs can kill you; how do you know it’s not the bun?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink

Due to a court ruling, sex toys are now legal in Alabama; the whole state is buzzing.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Sex

Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Politicians President

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie; isn't that called a sponge?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Alcohol Congress Government

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Characteristics God

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money

The most dangerous thing about American food?… the portions.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Appearance Body Fat Food/Drink

I just hope what Janet did at halftime [at the Super Bowl] doesn't, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Beliefs Elections/Voting God Government

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health Sex

Say what you will, when Dan Quayle was in the National Guard, not one Viet Cong got past Muncie, Indiana.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Insults

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People