Author: Jerry Seinfeld

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sports

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

It's strange… two guys in shorts competing for a belt; they should, at least, award them slacks or a shirt.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Boxing Sports

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Failure Success Wordplay

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Activities Travel

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Reading/Writing

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
People TV/Movie Quotes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Family Old Parents Places

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Old

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Intelligence

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions Family Happiness

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Animals Dogs

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind; close it and you're right back at the beginning.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Books Communication Reading/Writing