Author: Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Activities Travel

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Reading/Writing

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Places

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Animals Dogs

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Emotions Family Happiness

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Old

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Failure Success Wordplay

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage