Author: Rita Rudner Page 2

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Religion Situations

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Housework Mothers

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Dogs Places Women

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Emotions Husbands Love Marriage

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Conflict Killing Men People

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Clothing Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Body Fat Men People Women

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Men People War

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Marriage Relationships

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Life

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Food/Drink Hollywood Marriage Time

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships